Illusions

There were three women who had cloaks of gold. Each one had a broach with a stone upon it in many colors bright and bold. The first lady was called Truth - strong and true. She spoke words of wisdom and stood for what was good. The second lady tall and statuesque, her name was Lovely for so she was. Golden locks of hair spiraled down her formly back, she had a beautiful face held by a long, elegant neck. She thrived on compliments and lived for what was bright and seen. The third lady was call Pursuit and had a decidedly ambitious glow. She hoped for big things and made it her goal to attain wealth and all there was to know. She disdained those who did not share her ambition thinking herself far superior to others.

Yes, three women all in golden cloaks, each one different from the other by what she chose. Which will you choose? Who will you be? What will be your name? Truth, Lovely, or Pursuit...all will lead to pain.

A Picture of Entitlement

All day long the word "entitlement" has been running through my mind. Is it possible that I have an attitude, a heart of entitlement? I pondered this as I complained about the rain. It's been raining for days and my little apartment is soaking up all that water. The sliding glass door I enter through is so swollen I can hardly pull it open or push it closed. The bulging walls with little pockets of water worry me as mold will grow in those conditions. The porch which has wood that long ago began rotting away and has been eaten by termites also is sinking further and further down towards the garage and alley. This rain has got to stop...and yet it is forested for another 3 days. I am ready to scream - "NO MORE RAIN!" and I would except that there is no place to do it without raising eyelids. And in the midst of all this complaining, it hits me that I am a picture of entitlement.

Yes, I am a true picture of entitlement though at first glance you would never know it. This past year I spent time in 3 developing nations. All three of these countries have rain far worse than this. They have living conditions that make my home look like a mansion. They have disease and starvation at every turn. They don't have clothes or shoes or money to buy food. They live in hovels and make the best of it. This is everyday life of these people...and of countless others around the world. They do not have the luxury to say "NO MORE RAIN!" because they do not believe they are entitled to it. Whereas I, pathetic as it may be, I seem to believe that the weather is about me. It's all about what will best suit my purposes. The funny thing is that if you look at me, entitlement is not a word you would probably think of to describe me. I live simply. I am fairly frugal. I give my money to those in need and various ministries. I work at a church. I have been in seminary. I live on hand-me-downs and drive used cars. I go through my things and give away what I don't need. What a wonderful picture I have just painted of myself. But the truth is, my life has been easy compared to most of the world's population. If my biggest challenge is that it is hard to open and close my door because it is water-logged, I have nothing to complain about.

Now don't get me wrong. That does not discount the hardships that I have gone through. Yes, I have struggled and experienced some very hard and painful things. I cannot compare my life to an other's whose reality is so different than mine. What I can do is have an appreciation for what I have and an understanding of the fact that even though my life is easier in many ways than others, I am in no way, shape, or form entitled to it. God does not owe me anything...not a dry home, a job, nice clothes, a car, sunshine, more food than I can eat, etc... I am not entitled to any of those things. I have done nothing to deserve them. Nothing at all. All I can do is live in profound gratefulness for what I have - for what God has provided for me. And when the rain is falling and the water is dripping down the walls, my door won't open and I can't go for my morning walk or run, that is when I need to remember what life is like for most of the people in the world. That is when I need to get on my knees in thankfulness to the God who has provided for all my needs. That is when I need to close my mouth before I begin to complain.

I am a picture of entitlement. Oh that that picture would be washed away by this rain and in it's place leave the picture of one who dependent on God for His grace and mercy.

Not Who I Thought

dear god...you aren't who i thought you were. you haven't done what i wanted you to do. you haven't lived up to your end of the bargain. and the truth is, i don't think i like you anymore. in fact, you aren't even a real God. you're a god with a little "g" - an idol i created to help me survive. well, I'm finished with you. i'm breaking up this relationship. you no longer get to rule my life. the true God is so much greater than you. He is the God of love - not of condemnation. He loved me before i ever lifted a finger to do anything for him. He is going to love me long after i am able to do anything for him. His love for me in not dependent on me, on me being perfect or good enough or on what i can do. His love just "is" because He is loving. so you're not really "dear" afterall. Don't call or write. i don't want to hear from you...ever again. we're finished. we're through. from, amelia otherwhere.

All Will be Well

There is something mysterious

about the yawning silence in the darkness of a dawning day

speckled by twinkling stars and the slightest slit of the moon.

It is strange and startling and takes my breath away...

The very essence of my being is penetrated by profound peace

and for a moment, for a moment in time,

I know that all will be well.

Love is a Verb

Love, love is a verb
Love is a doing word
Fearless on my breath
Gentle impulsion
Shakes and makes me lighter
Fearless on my breath

Teardrop on the fire
Fearless on my breath

Night, night of the day
Black flowers blossom
Fearless on my breath
Black flowers blossom
Fearless on my breath

Teardrop on the fire
Fearless on my

Water is my eye
Most faithful mirror
Fearless on my breath
Teardrop on the fire
Of a confession
Fearless on my breath

Most faithful mirror
Fearless on my breath
Teardrop on the fire
Fearless on my breath

You're stumbling in the dark
You're stumbling in the dark.

Teardrop - Massive Attack

Loss

Sometimes I am overwhelmed with the sadness of loss. It's like I have been punched in the gut and all the stored tears swell up and flow out. I try to be all right but the truth is that somebody really special in my life died, and there is a grief process that must be observed. It must be observed or some day later down the road I will visit this loss again and have to go through it at that point. Now or later...those are the options. I choose now - even though it's painful, even though I'd rather just not go through the process at all. I choose now so that later I will be all right.

Expectation

You never know what the day ahead of you will hold. You can guess. You can hope. You can dread. But the truth of the matter is that until you live it, you really just don't know.

Again

Do you remember when life used to make sense? When there was a pattern to follow? And things seemed to make sense? Do you remember when ignorance was bliss and there was no reason to dig deep within to pull up what is hidden? Do you remember when roses were beautiful and the sky was brilliant? And when you were swept away in song at the amazing wonder of the day? Do you remember when innocence was a thing of beauty not to be scorned? And when childhood was a gift not a burden? Do you remember the feeling of your father's kiss behind your ear? And the feeling of security at a glance from your mom? Do you remember when life was not heavy and hard, full of sweat and sorrow? Will it again be that way? Will it again hold the joy it once did? Will it again sparkle and shine? Will it ever again be fresh and new?

exposed

dear God. here I am...

will you love me anyway?

Brooding

All beginnings must begin with God. Always put God

first. The first stone in every building, the first thought every

morning, the first aim and purpose of all activity. Do not be

discouraged; the Spirit of God is within you, brooding amid

the darkness, and presently His light will shine through.

From Through The Bible Day by Day

Some Otherwhere

Some otherwhere

is where Amelia Otherwhere

would like to be

Sorrow

I sat and thought to myself, "This isn't real. It can't be happening." I fidgeted with my dress, running my fingers along the black edge of the seams, up and down, up and down. I hate this. I don't want to be here. I want to be some other place - any other place. I know it is supposed to be a celebration. I know that deep inside, but the little girl in me doesn't want to celebrate. She wants to cry. It isn't supposed to be this way. She'd rather pretend it is somebody else's service she's attending, somebody else... but it's not. So instead she swallows. The little girl swallows down the lump. She takes a deep breath and puts on the shawl of control and wraps the strength it provides tightly around her, covering the little girl so only I remain. And I am ok. Because I know the truth. He is with Jesus and that is the reason we celebrate. That doesn't mean we don't cry. That doesn't mean there isn't sorrow. That just means that there is a silver lining, that this isn't it, that the sorrow won't last forever. Weeping may last for the night, but a shout of joy comes in the morning. I tell my little girl this, that it is ok to cry. And we cry together: in sadness and in joy, in bitter and in sweet, in disbelief and in hope. The little girl and the woman. We cry together and it is ok. We are ok.

Darkness and Light

If I say, "Surely the darkness will overwhelm me,

and the light around me will be night." Even the darkness

is not dark to You, and the night is as bright as the day.

Darkness and light are alike to You.

Psalm 139:11-12