Not Who I Thought

dear god...you aren't who i thought you were. you haven't done what i wanted you to do. you haven't lived up to your end of the bargain. and the truth is, i don't think i like you anymore. in fact, you aren't even a real God. you're a god with a little "g" - an idol i created to help me survive. well, I'm finished with you. i'm breaking up this relationship. you no longer get to rule my life. the true God is so much greater than you. He is the God of love - not of condemnation. He loved me before i ever lifted a finger to do anything for him. He is going to love me long after i am able to do anything for him. His love for me in not dependent on me, on me being perfect or good enough or on what i can do. His love just "is" because He is loving. so you're not really "dear" afterall. Don't call or write. i don't want to hear from you...ever again. we're finished. we're through. from, amelia otherwhere.

All Will be Well

There is something mysterious

about the yawning silence in the darkness of a dawning day

speckled by twinkling stars and the slightest slit of the moon.

It is strange and startling and takes my breath away...

The very essence of my being is penetrated by profound peace

and for a moment, for a moment in time,

I know that all will be well.

Love is a Verb

Love, love is a verb
Love is a doing word
Fearless on my breath
Gentle impulsion
Shakes and makes me lighter
Fearless on my breath

Teardrop on the fire
Fearless on my breath

Night, night of the day
Black flowers blossom
Fearless on my breath
Black flowers blossom
Fearless on my breath

Teardrop on the fire
Fearless on my

Water is my eye
Most faithful mirror
Fearless on my breath
Teardrop on the fire
Of a confession
Fearless on my breath

Most faithful mirror
Fearless on my breath
Teardrop on the fire
Fearless on my breath

You're stumbling in the dark
You're stumbling in the dark.

Teardrop - Massive Attack

Loss

Sometimes I am overwhelmed with the sadness of loss. It's like I have been punched in the gut and all the stored tears swell up and flow out. I try to be all right but the truth is that somebody really special in my life died, and there is a grief process that must be observed. It must be observed or some day later down the road I will visit this loss again and have to go through it at that point. Now or later...those are the options. I choose now - even though it's painful, even though I'd rather just not go through the process at all. I choose now so that later I will be all right.

Expectation

You never know what the day ahead of you will hold. You can guess. You can hope. You can dread. But the truth of the matter is that until you live it, you really just don't know.

Again

Do you remember when life used to make sense? When there was a pattern to follow? And things seemed to make sense? Do you remember when ignorance was bliss and there was no reason to dig deep within to pull up what is hidden? Do you remember when roses were beautiful and the sky was brilliant? And when you were swept away in song at the amazing wonder of the day? Do you remember when innocence was a thing of beauty not to be scorned? And when childhood was a gift not a burden? Do you remember the feeling of your father's kiss behind your ear? And the feeling of security at a glance from your mom? Do you remember when life was not heavy and hard, full of sweat and sorrow? Will it again be that way? Will it again hold the joy it once did? Will it again sparkle and shine? Will it ever again be fresh and new?

exposed

dear God. here I am...

will you love me anyway?

Brooding

All beginnings must begin with God. Always put God

first. The first stone in every building, the first thought every

morning, the first aim and purpose of all activity. Do not be

discouraged; the Spirit of God is within you, brooding amid

the darkness, and presently His light will shine through.

From Through The Bible Day by Day

Some Otherwhere

Some otherwhere

is where Amelia Otherwhere

would like to be

Sorrow

I sat and thought to myself, "This isn't real. It can't be happening." I fidgeted with my dress, running my fingers along the black edge of the seams, up and down, up and down. I hate this. I don't want to be here. I want to be some other place - any other place. I know it is supposed to be a celebration. I know that deep inside, but the little girl in me doesn't want to celebrate. She wants to cry. It isn't supposed to be this way. She'd rather pretend it is somebody else's service she's attending, somebody else... but it's not. So instead she swallows. The little girl swallows down the lump. She takes a deep breath and puts on the shawl of control and wraps the strength it provides tightly around her, covering the little girl so only I remain. And I am ok. Because I know the truth. He is with Jesus and that is the reason we celebrate. That doesn't mean we don't cry. That doesn't mean there isn't sorrow. That just means that there is a silver lining, that this isn't it, that the sorrow won't last forever. Weeping may last for the night, but a shout of joy comes in the morning. I tell my little girl this, that it is ok to cry. And we cry together: in sadness and in joy, in bitter and in sweet, in disbelief and in hope. The little girl and the woman. We cry together and it is ok. We are ok.

Darkness and Light

If I say, "Surely the darkness will overwhelm me,

and the light around me will be night." Even the darkness

is not dark to You, and the night is as bright as the day.

Darkness and light are alike to You.

Psalm 139:11-12

Christmas

I watched as stacks of presents were unwrapped by small,
excited fingers. Squeals of delight broke the silence filling the room with excitement and glee. So much work had gone into making the day special. So many hours of decorating, shopping and wrapping, of cleaning and cooking. So much to make one day memorable and lovely. And as I sat watching it was all worth it. It was the best Christmas we've had in a long time. Not because of the presents. Not because of the food. Not because of a clean, decorated house. All those things were nice. But rather it was because we were all together, blessed by the gift of God, blessed by love for each other, blessed by letting go of control and expectations and just allowing the day to happen. It was a wonderful Christmas.

Little Girl

Little girl, little girl,
Sinking beneath the waves.
Who has pushed you down there?
Did you not learn to behave?

Sinking faster, sinking faster,
Little girl gone astray.
Has your heart been broken?
Did you not get your way?

Counting breaths, counting breaths
Water begins to invade.
When will it happen?
When will you begin to fade?

Rock bottom, rock bottom,
Rough sand hits her face.
Will you stop now?
Will you plead your sorry case?

Swallowed whole, swallowed whole,
In the belly of a whale.
All by herself now,
With no one to tell her tale.

Little girl, little girl,
Alone in a big fish.
She met her loving Maker
Who gave her her one greatest wish.

Revived now, revived now
To do the Lords will.
Will she do it?
Will she do it?

Oh, little girl!

Something to Celebrate

Sometimes I feel caged in by my emotions. They are ugly and mean and shake me something fierce. One day I'm going to get out of the cage and hit them on the head with a rolling pin - a big heavy porcelain one. I'm going to whack them so hard that their heads will fall off and I will never again be held captive by them. And then I will throw myself a party. That will be something to celebrate. Hip, hip, hurray!

I Love Rainy Mornings

I love rainy mornings when I can hear the "drip, drop, drip, drop" on my roof top.

I love rainy mornings when I'm feeling so groggy and all my windows are foggy.

I love rainy mornings when I feel all warm and cozy and my cheeks get rosy.

I love rainy mornings when I can walk in the lane getting wet from all the rain.

Today is a rainy morning. I love this morning.