I Believe

Lord, You have always given bread for the coming day; and

though I am poor, tonight I believe.

Lord, You have always given strength for the coming day; and

though I am weak, tonight I believe.

Lord, You have always given peace for the coming day; and

though of anxious heart, tonight I believe.

Lord, You have always kept me safe in trials, and

now, tried as I am, tonight I believe.

Lord, You have always marked the road for the coming day; and

though it may be hidden, tonight I believe.

Lord, You have always lightened this darkness of mine; and

though the night is here, tonight I believe.

Lord, You have always spoken when time was ripe; and

though you be silent now, tonight I believe.

(Celtic Evening Prayer)

A Little Less Noise

It's not that I don't like music but once in a while there is a great need within me for silence. My senses can no longer stand the cacophony of sound that bombards me. A little less noise please, a little less noise for I fear I shall go crazy if I don't get a little peace and quiet.

Take Courage

How often do we realize there is a war being waged against us?

That the battle is raging, furious and strong?

Though we might not see it in the physical realm,

it is there none the less...do not be fooled.

Take courage, take courage you who would hear:

He who is in you is greater than he who is in the world.

You are not alone...

Victory belongs to the Lord!

Loved First

Do I really believe that I am loved first, independent of what I do or what I accomplish? This is an important question because as long as I think that what I most need I have to earn, deserve and collect by hard work, I will never get what I most need and desire, which is a love that cannot be earned but is freely given. Henri Nouwen

The Lord, The Lord God

The Lord passed by before him, and proclaimed, "The Lord, The Lord God, merciful and gracious, longsuffering, and abundant in goodness and truth." Exodus 34:6

Writer's Block

I often think that I should write about this process, about the strange thing that has happened to me and my faith. Yet when I sit down to do it, there aren't any words. I have writer's block in the worst way and can not begin to think of what to say. How do I describe the stretching and tearing of one's soul? How do I describe a faith being tried in the flame and found wanting? What words can actually explain what happens inside when your life falls into pieces around you leaving nothing to hide you from a very disturbing world? Of course there are words but are there words that have the emotion behind them that communicate the depth of feeling involved? They hardly do the process justice. They hardly do the one suffering in the process justice.

Maybe at some other point in my life I will actually be able to write about this. Perhaps when I come to the end of this particular journey the words will once again flow. And in the writing there will be healing and in the sharing others will be blessed.

The Sacrifice of Praise

“Through Him then, let us continually offer up a sacrifice of praise to God, that is the fruit of lips that give thanks to His name.” Hebrews 13:15
Thank You Lord for who You are and for what only You can do. Thank You for working out details that can only come together by Your hand. Thank You for concerning Yourself with our lives, for taking interest in us and loving us. Thank You for not leaving us as we were or as we are but for carrying us forward, for challenging us forward, for calling us forward. Thank You for testing us, for giving us an opportunity to grow, to persevere, to build character and to know You more in and through the process. You alone are the giver of every good gift. You alone are the author of every good thought or deed. You are the Creator and the Perfector. You will bring it about. You are responsible to do what You have said You will do. Only You can soften our hard hearts and let us love freely as You want us to. Only You can fulfill all our needs. Only You know exactly what those needs are. Only You are responsible for the life giving waters that flow in our lives. You are our Provider – our Jehovah Jireh, our very present help in time of trouble, our Elohim – our strong one, our Adonai – Lord and Master, El Elyon – most strongest strong one, El Rio – strong one who sees, El Shaddai – almighty God, El Olam – everlasting God. You are all these things. We praise You in the midst of struggle and fear and turmoil. Thank You for sending Your son for us. Thank You for Your word. Thank You for Your Spirit. Thank You for intercession on our behalf at Your throne. Thank You for insight, wisdom, and discernment. Thank You that You are able and You are strong. Thank You that You are holy, just, good, righteous, loving, patient, everlasting, in control, and ready to act as You see fit. Forgive us for not trusting You. We confess that we don’t. We would rather trust in what we can figure out or control or in what the world tells us. Teach us to live by Your word, in Your peace, content in what we have; passionate in the life You have given us. Let us learn You, know You, experience You, reflect You, speak of You, love You, share You with others. Mold us and make us who You want us to be. Open our eyes and ears and heart to the things that are of You. We praise You. We offer up this sacrifice of praise, trusting that You will receive it.

Insanity

They say that insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting to get a different result. I must be insane because every week I wear mascara to church thinking that that will be the week I don’t cry. Ha! I should just stop wearing the stuff because thus far it hasn’t worked and it ends up all over my face no matter how hard I try to avoid it.

Hope

Sometimes hope is like a rose bush

with thick thorns, sharp and treacherous,

and brilliant blossoms, bold and mesmerizing.

A Renewed Mind

“And do not be conformed to this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.” Romans 12:2
Sometimes I am overwhelmed when I look around me. There is so much vying for my attention. This world shouts at me to seek it, to chase it, to become just like it. It lures me with larger-than-life billboards advertising the perfect life if only I have… It paints portraits of lives without consequences, full of romance, success, and happy endings. It cleverly communicates the message that this life is really all about me. Everywhere I turn there is a continuous bombardment of temptations to give into. “Conform,” it quietly chants over and over again. “Be like us,” it hisses, “and you will finally be free, fulfilled and happy. Buy just one more dress, one more drink, one more car, one more house, one more anything. Spend more time on yourself, pamper yourself, indulge in your every whim. There is no real right or wrong. You create your own reality, so do anything you desire. After all, it is all about you!”

The lies, they swirl around us, seeping into any unprotected pore of our heart and mind, insidious, sly, and persuasive. Whether you believe it or not, the truth is that there is an all-out war being waged for the peace of our souls. Satan has marked us as believers and followers of Christ, threats to his kingdom on earth. His plan is to distract us from anything that will fill our souls with strength, our hearts with hope, and our minds with mighty visions of victory. Though he is crafty, his plan is all too simple, yet how easily we fall victim to it.

How do we fight against the persuasive push towards conformation to this world? How do we guard our hearts from the falseness that is fed us each and every day? How do we renew our minds, being transformed into the likeness of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ? In a word: TRUTH. The Word of God is truth, and that truth is your soul’s armor against the lies and attacks of the devil. That truth transforms your mind and gives you eyes to see things as they really are – as God sees them. You will be able to withstand the garbage heaped upon you by this world because you will have the sword of the spirit (which is the word of God) to fight with. Make no mistake. This is a battle, and you are in it whether you want to be or not. You will be called upon to stand up and fight, to claim and proclaim truth, and to encourage and strengthen the weak. It’s not a matter of “if” but rather “when”. Are you prepared? Do you know the truth that will keep you from falling?

Get into God’s word - which is truth. Yes, that big black book with the cross etched in gold, that most precious piece of writing known to man. It is by far the best way to renew your mind in the mass assault you experience. In it you will find absolute, pure and undefiled truth. You will find the person of Jesus Christ who leads us as a perfect example, suffering that we may have life, drawing us ever closer to God if we allow Him. You will find His rich grace which allows us the privilege each day to enter boldly and confidently into His presence. You will find encouragement to endure and a hope that does not fade. You will find strength from the words of a shepherd boy who cried out to God in all things. You will find power in prayers poured out by penitent prophets. You will meet men who although captured, taken to pagan and foreign lands, and taught the ways of the world did not conform to that which wasn’t right. You will come across miracle after miracle – of the blind given sight, the deaf given ears to hear, the lame given feet to walk, the sick becoming whole and even the dead brought back to life. You will learn what it means to follow God, to love and obey and serve Him. God’s word will speak into your heart what is right and good and pure and true.

Each day we are being influenced and transformed by something. So the real question is what are you allowing yourself to be influenced and transformed by? Romans 8:5 says that those who are of the flesh set their minds on things of the flesh and those of the Spirit set their minds on things of the Spirit. This world wants you to set your mind on your flesh. It tirelessly promotes “self” as the only worthwhile pursuit. You know it’s true when you look around you. And it will be very apparent by the fruit of your life which one controls you. SET YOUR HEART ON TRUTH! Jesus said, “If you abide in my word, then you are truly disciples of Mine; and you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free” (Jn.8:31-32). Isn’t that we are all after anyway? Freedom from the death grip this world has on us. Freedom from the fear that we aren’t enough. Freedom from the slavery to sin that entangles us if we allow ourselves to be drawn in by the lecherous lies continually lobbed our way. “Freedom” is the cry of my heart: “Lord, free me from the bondage of believing that what this world has to offer is better than what You offer. Transform me, Lord, by Your power, that I will pursue that which is good and acceptable and pure.”

Illusions

There were three women who had cloaks of gold. Each one had a broach with a stone upon it in many colors bright and bold. The first lady was called Truth - strong and true. She spoke words of wisdom and stood for what was good. The second lady tall and statuesque, her name was Lovely for so she was. Golden locks of hair spiraled down her formly back, she had a beautiful face held by a long, elegant neck. She thrived on compliments and lived for what was bright and seen. The third lady was call Pursuit and had a decidedly ambitious glow. She hoped for big things and made it her goal to attain wealth and all there was to know. She disdained those who did not share her ambition thinking herself far superior to others.

Yes, three women all in golden cloaks, each one different from the other by what she chose. Which will you choose? Who will you be? What will be your name? Truth, Lovely, or Pursuit...all will lead to pain.

A Picture of Entitlement

All day long the word "entitlement" has been running through my mind. Is it possible that I have an attitude, a heart of entitlement? I pondered this as I complained about the rain. It's been raining for days and my little apartment is soaking up all that water. The sliding glass door I enter through is so swollen I can hardly pull it open or push it closed. The bulging walls with little pockets of water worry me as mold will grow in those conditions. The porch which has wood that long ago began rotting away and has been eaten by termites also is sinking further and further down towards the garage and alley. This rain has got to stop...and yet it is forested for another 3 days. I am ready to scream - "NO MORE RAIN!" and I would except that there is no place to do it without raising eyelids. And in the midst of all this complaining, it hits me that I am a picture of entitlement.

Yes, I am a true picture of entitlement though at first glance you would never know it. This past year I spent time in 3 developing nations. All three of these countries have rain far worse than this. They have living conditions that make my home look like a mansion. They have disease and starvation at every turn. They don't have clothes or shoes or money to buy food. They live in hovels and make the best of it. This is everyday life of these people...and of countless others around the world. They do not have the luxury to say "NO MORE RAIN!" because they do not believe they are entitled to it. Whereas I, pathetic as it may be, I seem to believe that the weather is about me. It's all about what will best suit my purposes. The funny thing is that if you look at me, entitlement is not a word you would probably think of to describe me. I live simply. I am fairly frugal. I give my money to those in need and various ministries. I work at a church. I have been in seminary. I live on hand-me-downs and drive used cars. I go through my things and give away what I don't need. What a wonderful picture I have just painted of myself. But the truth is, my life has been easy compared to most of the world's population. If my biggest challenge is that it is hard to open and close my door because it is water-logged, I have nothing to complain about.

Now don't get me wrong. That does not discount the hardships that I have gone through. Yes, I have struggled and experienced some very hard and painful things. I cannot compare my life to an other's whose reality is so different than mine. What I can do is have an appreciation for what I have and an understanding of the fact that even though my life is easier in many ways than others, I am in no way, shape, or form entitled to it. God does not owe me anything...not a dry home, a job, nice clothes, a car, sunshine, more food than I can eat, etc... I am not entitled to any of those things. I have done nothing to deserve them. Nothing at all. All I can do is live in profound gratefulness for what I have - for what God has provided for me. And when the rain is falling and the water is dripping down the walls, my door won't open and I can't go for my morning walk or run, that is when I need to remember what life is like for most of the people in the world. That is when I need to get on my knees in thankfulness to the God who has provided for all my needs. That is when I need to close my mouth before I begin to complain.

I am a picture of entitlement. Oh that that picture would be washed away by this rain and in it's place leave the picture of one who dependent on God for His grace and mercy.

Not Who I Thought

dear god...you aren't who i thought you were. you haven't done what i wanted you to do. you haven't lived up to your end of the bargain. and the truth is, i don't think i like you anymore. in fact, you aren't even a real God. you're a god with a little "g" - an idol i created to help me survive. well, I'm finished with you. i'm breaking up this relationship. you no longer get to rule my life. the true God is so much greater than you. He is the God of love - not of condemnation. He loved me before i ever lifted a finger to do anything for him. He is going to love me long after i am able to do anything for him. His love for me in not dependent on me, on me being perfect or good enough or on what i can do. His love just "is" because He is loving. so you're not really "dear" afterall. Don't call or write. i don't want to hear from you...ever again. we're finished. we're through. from, amelia otherwhere.

All Will be Well

There is something mysterious

about the yawning silence in the darkness of a dawning day

speckled by twinkling stars and the slightest slit of the moon.

It is strange and startling and takes my breath away...

The very essence of my being is penetrated by profound peace

and for a moment, for a moment in time,

I know that all will be well.

Love is a Verb

Love, love is a verb
Love is a doing word
Fearless on my breath
Gentle impulsion
Shakes and makes me lighter
Fearless on my breath

Teardrop on the fire
Fearless on my breath

Night, night of the day
Black flowers blossom
Fearless on my breath
Black flowers blossom
Fearless on my breath

Teardrop on the fire
Fearless on my

Water is my eye
Most faithful mirror
Fearless on my breath
Teardrop on the fire
Of a confession
Fearless on my breath

Most faithful mirror
Fearless on my breath
Teardrop on the fire
Fearless on my breath

You're stumbling in the dark
You're stumbling in the dark.

Teardrop - Massive Attack