Aghhhhh!

Just needed to get that out!!!!

Kym

I remember the first time I met her. It was mid July. All the pastors were at their yearly retreat. While they were water skiing, tubing and BBQing the rest of us got to be pampered on the job with spa treatments, movies and our own BBQ lunch on the lawn. It was a bright, sunny day and I was sipping on cucumber water waiting my turn for a pedicure. Kym walked in the room. She had black hair underneath and almost platinum blonde hair on the top layers. It was short. She was striking because her complexion was so pale next to such black and blonde hair. But not pale in a bad way. The pale of one who actually has strawberry blonde hair. She was lovely. And she shined even in the sunlight flowing in the large windows of the Upper Room. I liked her. At that moment. Before we even had a conversation. There was just something about her. She seemed different. She seemed like my kind of person. Down to earth. Available. Funky. Not OC.

This whole assessment was made even before we shared a sentence. Kym. She sat down next to me. And in my brave, secretly shy manner, I struck up a conversation with her probably seeming very outgoing. Or perhaps she started the conversation. I don't remember now who said hi first. I do know that inwardly I was wondering if she would think I was stupid or uncool. She seemed so cool. Yet she was so friendly and I thought we might really be friends. We talked about seminary. I told her I was in the midst of applying to seminary but was kind of petrified of the program and what it would require of me emotionally and spiritually. She said I needed to do it. That it was right for me. It was like she already knew me. Like we were instantly friends. I don't know about her but from that moment on she was one of my special friends. She just fit.

I did go to seminary. We did become special friends. I love her like a sister. And now she has cancer. And the brightness that is Kym is fading. I can't even put to words the sadness I feel. The loss I already feel. It's like there is a space inside of me that is Kym-shaped. And it's full of her and vacant at the same time. Oh my dear friend Kym! You are so lovely. You have blessed my life more than you will ever know. You chose me to be your friend. You trusted me. You shared your life and struggles with me. You included me. You loved me. You trusted me with your thoughts and feelings. You trusted me with your fears and your hopes. You believed in me. You hoped way more for me than I could myself. And you taught me about work and life. You have been such a gift. Such a blessing. I have been so privileged to be counted among your friends. Do you know that? Do you know just how much you mean to me? I know I'm only a new friend in the last 4 years but that time has fed my soul. God has fed my thirsty soul through you. You have watered me. You have walked with me friend through the dark night of the soul. When there were no lights, you let me be where I was, how I was and you still loved me. And in your dark days you let me share that time with you. You told me how you truly felt. You honored me.

And even in letting me come over and visit and pray for you. Oh you have so honored me. Your friendship had meant more than the world to me. I love you Kym. So so so much it hurts. And it hurts to see you in pain. It hurts to see your family in pain. But know that I am constantly in prayer on your behalf. This bat phone is being dialed for you dear friend. I love you. I hope you know that you have impacted my life - ME - my little insignificant existence - in a significant way. I love you dear friend!!!

Thoughts

Some thoughts are too high, too deep, too wide.

They can not be grasped, captured or reconciled.

So Tired

Sometimes it just doesn't matter what you do-

you're just not going to sleep.

And because of that you are going to be

so tired...

Loved

Aimés…Loved

…this is the day for you to wake up to God’s love for you…

…rooted and ground in love…

eph. 3:17-19

It is Time

I thought I had something to say. I thought it would be beautiful and bold. I thought the words would flow again as in the days of old.

I thought it was time.

I think too much.

I felt a burning in my lungs. I felt a burning deeper still. I felt it burning in my soul with every step upon that hill.

I felt it was time.

I feel it much, much more.

I saw the past before my eyes. I saw the future pass me by. I saw but didn't dare to dream something else was there.

I saw it was time.

I see clearly.

I think I want to share. I think that some might care. I think, but do I dare?

I think too much.

I thought it was time.

I feel my pain. I feel its drain. I feel intensely, acutely, miraculously sane.

I feel it much, much more.

I felt it was time.

I see my self. I see with eyes of stealth. I see what looks a lot like health.

I see clearly.

I saw it was time.

It is time.

The Giver

If you lack wisdom, ask Me because I give generously and won't make you feel dumb for having asked. And I will give it to you. If when you were my enemy I made things right between us, even more I will save you by My life. I am your Father who has compassion on you because you fear Me. I know your frame - that you are just dust. Unlike you, My word endures forever. It is not dust. And this word I preached to you is that the world is passing away and also it's lusts, but the one who does My will, will live forever. I have told you this so that you will have My joy in you and that that joy would be made full. My secret is for those like you who fear Me, and I will make you know My covenant. For I am the high and exalted One who lives forever and whose name is Holy. I dwell on a high and holy place, and also with the contrite and lowly of spirit in order to revive the spirit of the lowly and to revive the heart of the contrite. I have always loved you. I will always love you!

(Jam1:15, Rom5:10, Psa103:13-14, 1Pet1:25, 1Jn2:17, Jn15:11, Psa25:14, Isa57:15, Jer31:3)

I Believe

Lord, You have always given bread for the coming day; and

though I am poor, tonight I believe.

Lord, You have always given strength for the coming day; and

though I am weak, tonight I believe.

Lord, You have always given peace for the coming day; and

though of anxious heart, tonight I believe.

Lord, You have always kept me safe in trials, and

now, tried as I am, tonight I believe.

Lord, You have always marked the road for the coming day; and

though it may be hidden, tonight I believe.

Lord, You have always lightened this darkness of mine; and

though the night is here, tonight I believe.

Lord, You have always spoken when time was ripe; and

though you be silent now, tonight I believe.

(Celtic Evening Prayer)

A Little Less Noise

It's not that I don't like music but once in a while there is a great need within me for silence. My senses can no longer stand the cacophony of sound that bombards me. A little less noise please, a little less noise for I fear I shall go crazy if I don't get a little peace and quiet.

Take Courage

How often do we realize there is a war being waged against us?

That the battle is raging, furious and strong?

Though we might not see it in the physical realm,

it is there none the less...do not be fooled.

Take courage, take courage you who would hear:

He who is in you is greater than he who is in the world.

You are not alone...

Victory belongs to the Lord!

Loved First

Do I really believe that I am loved first, independent of what I do or what I accomplish? This is an important question because as long as I think that what I most need I have to earn, deserve and collect by hard work, I will never get what I most need and desire, which is a love that cannot be earned but is freely given. Henri Nouwen

The Lord, The Lord God

The Lord passed by before him, and proclaimed, "The Lord, The Lord God, merciful and gracious, longsuffering, and abundant in goodness and truth." Exodus 34:6

Writer's Block

I often think that I should write about this process, about the strange thing that has happened to me and my faith. Yet when I sit down to do it, there aren't any words. I have writer's block in the worst way and can not begin to think of what to say. How do I describe the stretching and tearing of one's soul? How do I describe a faith being tried in the flame and found wanting? What words can actually explain what happens inside when your life falls into pieces around you leaving nothing to hide you from a very disturbing world? Of course there are words but are there words that have the emotion behind them that communicate the depth of feeling involved? They hardly do the process justice. They hardly do the one suffering in the process justice.

Maybe at some other point in my life I will actually be able to write about this. Perhaps when I come to the end of this particular journey the words will once again flow. And in the writing there will be healing and in the sharing others will be blessed.

The Sacrifice of Praise

“Through Him then, let us continually offer up a sacrifice of praise to God, that is the fruit of lips that give thanks to His name.” Hebrews 13:15
Thank You Lord for who You are and for what only You can do. Thank You for working out details that can only come together by Your hand. Thank You for concerning Yourself with our lives, for taking interest in us and loving us. Thank You for not leaving us as we were or as we are but for carrying us forward, for challenging us forward, for calling us forward. Thank You for testing us, for giving us an opportunity to grow, to persevere, to build character and to know You more in and through the process. You alone are the giver of every good gift. You alone are the author of every good thought or deed. You are the Creator and the Perfector. You will bring it about. You are responsible to do what You have said You will do. Only You can soften our hard hearts and let us love freely as You want us to. Only You can fulfill all our needs. Only You know exactly what those needs are. Only You are responsible for the life giving waters that flow in our lives. You are our Provider – our Jehovah Jireh, our very present help in time of trouble, our Elohim – our strong one, our Adonai – Lord and Master, El Elyon – most strongest strong one, El Rio – strong one who sees, El Shaddai – almighty God, El Olam – everlasting God. You are all these things. We praise You in the midst of struggle and fear and turmoil. Thank You for sending Your son for us. Thank You for Your word. Thank You for Your Spirit. Thank You for intercession on our behalf at Your throne. Thank You for insight, wisdom, and discernment. Thank You that You are able and You are strong. Thank You that You are holy, just, good, righteous, loving, patient, everlasting, in control, and ready to act as You see fit. Forgive us for not trusting You. We confess that we don’t. We would rather trust in what we can figure out or control or in what the world tells us. Teach us to live by Your word, in Your peace, content in what we have; passionate in the life You have given us. Let us learn You, know You, experience You, reflect You, speak of You, love You, share You with others. Mold us and make us who You want us to be. Open our eyes and ears and heart to the things that are of You. We praise You. We offer up this sacrifice of praise, trusting that You will receive it.

Insanity

They say that insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting to get a different result. I must be insane because every week I wear mascara to church thinking that that will be the week I don’t cry. Ha! I should just stop wearing the stuff because thus far it hasn’t worked and it ends up all over my face no matter how hard I try to avoid it.