Amelia Otherwhere and Other Such Nonsense







But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the Law.
Galatians 5:18



18 July 2016

The (little) Seedling Project


They say it is in the darkest place that a seed bares life. They say the seed dies. And yet out of the heart of the seed sprouts life so strong that it brakes open the seed itself and shoots out of the shell. Magically. Mysteriously. Miraculously. Life. It is in that darkest of dark places where something special happens. What seemed to be without purpose in one state of being all of a sudden has significant purpose in another state. Yet care is required. Careful tending of the soil: watering, weeding, watching, and waiting. What happens inside the heart of the seed is hidden…secret…mysterious. Yet a part is played in the process of that magic. And honestly, even
 though you plant the seed and carefully tend the soil, you won’t know what seed is going to grow until it sprouts and something new is birthed.

What I am trying to say is that I am 39. For another 7 weeks, that is. I am 39 and my life has not turned out as I expected. By this point I figured I would be married with a family living through the trying seasons of small children, the hectic seasons of school, sports, friendships, and family life. I always wanted a big family with lots of kids. I wanted a life that I could live with my life partner – the love of my life, the best friend of my soul, the one to whom I could look and lean upon. And perhaps that was asking too much because that is not what happened. And here I find myself 39 – for another 7 weeks, that is – heartbroken at a recent loss of relationship and bereft of a hope that at least if I couldn’t have my own family I could at least join one that loved me and wanted me to join theirs. Heartbroken at the loss of another dream wishing I had answers – wishing I could be somebody else – wishing this was not my reality.

Before you rush to tell me just how lucky I am to be on my own and not responsible for anybody else and all the wonderful things about being single, please stop yourself. I’m not looking for advice on how to shame myself for feeling the loss and sorrow that comes with deferred hope and unanswered prayers. I know that marriage and family life is not perfect. I know it is hard, selfless, thankless work and that many dreams also die in these stages of life. I do not have ideas of "happily ever after".  I also know that unless you have been single for a long time or got married late in life it is hard to understand what it means to be single at my age. If you’ve been married since you were in your early 20’s you really have little to no clue. I do not judge you for that but I do ask that you refrain from offering advice on something about which you probably know little. And I do confess that I don’t understand what it is to be married and have a family and the complications involved. There are sorrows that I can have no understanding about because I have not experienced them. Please do not judge me for that. We must stand together in one another’s sorrows. Holding each other in turn knowing that suppressing feelings and stuffing them deep, deep down is not going to do anybody any good in the long run.

So please bear with me. I have to do something during this time. In the hopes that little seedlings will appear I am planting seeds within my soul. What they will be I do not yet know, but I must cling to the hope that something will grow out of this dark time. Magically. Mysteriously. Miraculously. And so I sew my seeds. Though I do not even know the kinds of the seeds I sew, they are being cast into the soils of my heart. I will water. I will weed. I will watch. I will wait. And most assuredly I will weep (some more) before I finally have that first glimpse of green coming above the soil.